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DevilOnHeaven blogg

DevilOnHeaven blogg på Nouw

Life's alright

2019-08-16 11:22
Från DevilOnHeaven

The last days have been amazing, counting today as well. I realised a lot of things that I didn't know before which made me feel insecure, doubtful, weird, etc. I realised that if there is any information that you want you have to ask about it. If there is anything that you want to happen you have to make it happen. No one is ever gonna give you or tell you anything for free.

That wasn't what I realised but I had to explain that first for everything else to make sense. Lately I have been taking the bull by its horns to make things happen because I already knew the fact that if you want anything make it happen yourself. I strongly believe in that and I am not a fan when I hear someone complain about their lives without making anything about it. I have been like that in the past, but I am a strong, independent, adult woman who at one point realised the before told fact.

So yeah, basically what I want to say is that what I have been doing lately its making things happen, 'cuase that is my new thing. I am not going to get mad at people if there's anything I can do about it, I am not going to get disappointed in something if I can do something about it. If I get irritated about something and have doubts about it I'm going to get the right information and fix it.

I'm going to stop extending the story where there isn't much more to tell, but I'm just going to say that because of my actions many things have gotten clear to me and I've learned so much about different things.

Positive things that I realised:
- My boss and I sat down for many hours and talked about a lot of things that were needed to be discussed. So many things got cleared up and i even got closer to her in a way that we hadn't had time for until this point.

Gym

2019-08-16 11:21
Från DevilOnHeaven

I've started going to the gym again and it feels kinda good. I'm not pushing myself as hard as I once did, but I'm just glad I'm doing a habit out of it.

     I'm going to explain why I quit going to the gym in the first place and then also explain why I'm coming back:
     A lot of people say it's too bad that I quit because I looked so good and healthy. Yes, I did look good, but I wasn't feeling the best when I pushed myself so hard and ate the same things over and over again. It was tiring and boring, so just imagine how my mind was playing tricks on me. I just couldn't keep doing it, but then when I started eating normal again it wasn't as "exciting" and I lost my motivation.
     Summer came and I decided to live my life as I wanted to and relax and do whatever I wanted to do. I decided that I was going to start going to the gym again whenever I felt like it, so I did. When I started working again I felt like it was time to start doing more than that.

     A few weeks have past and I've gone to the gym regularly, but not as much as I did when as I was at the top. The goal is to come back there, but it might just not happen as fast as it did last time. I lost a lot if weight when I cut all of the bad things out if my diet, but it just wasn't living normally. I'm trying to find a balance between working out and normal life. Wish me luck.

I'm back

2019-07-22 13:53
Från DevilOnHeaven

The other day I thought of my old blog. I thought about it and realised how much it helped me through many of my problems. It helped me when I couldn't talk to other people about my issues, so I wrote everything down. Even my darkest moments.

Before I started writing this post I read my old ones, even those that I never published. Those posts where used in a way for me to release many different types of feelings and that was what I needed those years ago. I needed to let go of some steam and let go of all my negative thoughts. Even if that helped me a lot back then, that is not why I'm starting it all again.

So when I thought about my blog the other day, the way I thought about it was different. I still need to release any feelings that I might have, but I'm gonna do it differently. I'm going to use it a little bit more as a diary, where I write something every day. I'm gonna make a list about good things that will happen to me, but also the bad things (let's be realistic). I will try to focus more on the positives though. I want people to read this and be able to relate to it. I'm also hoping to find a way to be more open with myself and also learn to think more positively.

For you who might have read my blog those years ago you might wonder what happened to my posts, and basically I just unpublished them. That is why this one looks like the first one ever written. I haven't written anything in two years so be nice and let me get easily into it. Here we go!

I came back the other day from my vacation in Spain, which has been a wonderful time with my parents and old friends. Under those two weeks and a half I realised that I am a little bit too picky about my friends and people that I decide to hang out with, which later leads to me feeling kinda alone sometimes. The realisation itself made me happy but not really what I realised, which is that I do not have that many friends. I feel both ways when it comes to this; I am proud of myself for being picky and not hanging out with people that I don't like and therefore makes me act fake (which I also don't like), but as I said being picky makes me lonely.

I have been thinking about this since I realised it and haven't really gotten to a conclusion yet. I don't know what I prefer. I thought that I might have to stop being so critical when it comes to my friends, but that would lead to me getting stuffed with fake feelings and balls of anxiety in my throat. On the other hand if I find a way of just letting go of things that would make me happier. So in other words I hope to find that way of letting things go eventually and until then I think I should just keep doing what I've been doing until this point.

I'm also looking forward to this autumn where I'm going to be studying and hopefully meet some new people that I have something in common with. Not only that but at work we'll be getting some new people that hopefully work in the same way as I do. With goals and motivation for the search of getting better every day.

So positive things these last past weeks:
- Had an amazing vacation.
- Got tanned.
- Turned 23 years old.
- Celebrated my birthday in a way that wasn't planned but turned out pretty good.
- Had an epiphany (which hopefully will make me wiser).
- Have been reading an amazing book.
- Feeling like I'm learning to be more honest with myself.

And negative things these last past weeks:
- Realised I'm so picky with my friends that it makes me lonely.
- A person that I deeply loved disappeared from my life.
- The plans for my birthday didn't turn out how I wanted to.
- Heard some pretty bad things from family members that visited my workplace when I wasn't there and they told me some disappointing things which doesn't make it super fun to get back tomorrow.
- Getting back to work tomorrow.

This was a pretty long post but I had various subjects to write about. It took a while to find the right words and I guess this is gonna be the same every time a write something. Therefore I don't think I will be posting every day, but you could expect a few a week or at least one (let's be realistic).

Thank you for letting me ramble and see you later, alligator!
Your friendly neighbourhood,
Rebecca.